After a very bad week, I decided that I needed to put this relationship, or whatever it is, behind me. I do hope that we will each have some good memories of each other, since we’ve known each other for such a long time, over forty years. But trying to get along now isn’t working: we are at cross-purposes with each other, and I see no way that it can ever be resolved.
Just a little bit ago I sent him a text saying that I am only a memory to him now, as he is to me, with no more worries or desires to disrupt either of our lives. I don’t even know if he will get the text: I think he may have blocked them as well as my voicemails. It has indeed been a very bad week, much of which is my fault.
I can plead the fact that I’ve been going through difficult changes of my psychiatric medications in the past few weeks, which are not yet resolved, but I resist the stance of not taking full responsibility for my actions regardless of my mental health status. I can see how difficult my communications with him must have been from his perspective.
I’m sad, but also happy. I’ve been so depressed, anxious, and upset in the runup to this decision. This closure has been coming for awhile, almost from the start of us seeing each other last spring.
Now I look forward to rebuilding my life without the dream of him being part of it.
And there are things I’m looking forward to doing: the SCA Baronial Middle Marches Twelfth Night celebration, my Medieval England class starting in January at university, preparing my harp music and storytelling for the Fairies and Fantasy Symposium in February (I now have elf ears!), and of course looking further forward to my Iceland trip in June, long in the planning.
All is not lost. ❤