…and lack thereof. For some truly unknown reason, I have fallen in love with him, although I can’t tell him that. And I would much rather not be in love! Such a vulnerable place to be…

Especially since he is not in love with me.  He’s been quite clear about that.

Still, I believe he does feel affection for me. Yes, I think that is true.

And affection can grow into love.

In any case, whatever it is that he feels for me, I do love him, despite struggling really violently against it. I don’t want to be in love, or even to love, but this is where and how I find myself. It’s been such a very, very long time since I felt anything like this.

Maybe it’s a blessing, although heavily disguised, since I feel like a walking target for the slings and arrows, etc. Maybe it’s good to have tender feelings for another person unrelated by blood.

Maybe his affection for me will grow. Maybe not. Maybe yes.

It’s an acknowledgement of my utter lack of control of the universe or my place in it.